Slow Down! Learn To Say No

Slow Down! Learn To Say No

Girl, Slow down! Learn to say no more in order to live a more purposeful life and free ourselves. There are so many demands on us as women and moms. It seems as if a crazy busy life is the norm. Running ourselves ragged is almost like a badge of honor. We must stop this culture and use minimalism principles on our schedules. We must take back out time, which is the thing we cannot cheat in life. We have a finite amount of time each day.

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Slow Down To Win

Below is a worksheet to help you discover your values and use those to help make decisions about your precious time. As women, lets stop the BS and the crazy culture and live better.


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    Video Transcription-Slow Down-Learn to Say No

    Transcription Details
    File type: Video to Text
    Time: 21:05 minutes
    File Name: Episode 6- Learn to Say No for a More Purposeful Life

    Hey, Barbara Boss here. Today we're going to talk about something that I feel super passionate about and that is to slow down, say no to more things so that you can live a more purposeful life. Learn to say no. Do you ever feel like a tennis ball just kind of being hit back and forth between all of the demands in your life and everywhere you have to be and everything you have to do? It kind of feels out of control, right? We say yes to too many things, we need to start saying no to things. So, time is one thing that is not renewable. You have a finite amount of time in your life, in your day, in your month. And every time we say yes to something, we're allowing it to take up space in our life. And we'll say yes to things just out of guilt, because somebody asked us to, and we feel like we have to say yes, or we might say yes to things that we don't really value just because you know, you think it's the right thing to do.

    But we're going to talk about how to find those values, and how to make sure that the things you say yes, to only live up to those values. And if they don't, you're not going to do it. This is going to free up a ton of time, you'll have more time to spend on your relationship with your spouse, time to spend with your kids, or work, on your faith or an online business, which is what I'm all about. We're going to talk about freeing up your time, girl, you've got to slow down, you've got to say no to things. And you've got to remove the guilt from saying no to things because there's a lot of guilt. If somebody asks you, hey, can you be on the decorating committee for the church? And you feel like, well, that's something I should definitely say yes to I mean, I'm being asked to do that. No, we're going to start seeing what lines up with your values and what things might be more valuable than that.

    Mixed Messages for Women

    There's a lot of mixed messages in our culture for women, particularly moms. For example, you see content all over that makes you feel kind of inadequate, like, we're not quite meeting the mark. We have to be everything, we have to do everything. But don't sacrifice one moment of time with those precious children, they grow so fast, they're going to be gone. But at the same time, make sure that you do everything. There's another mixed message that says like, it is valiant to drop everything in your life, to cater to your children. And your career and your hobbies, everything. Be exhausted, run a million miles an hour. It's almost like a badge of honor for these moms. They're just so busy, and they gave up everything, the minute they had kids. So, yeah, we do have to sacrifice, we have to give, we do have to give up some things to become good parents. Yes, we must show up and we must work hard and be patient and put them first in many things. But you can still have a life and you can say no to things so that you have time to still work on things that are important to you.

    But think of all this messaging that moms get and how it might make you feel inadequate, especially on social media, like, oh, we need to be fit and look perfect in our fabletic wear. We have to hike Kilimanjaro or you're not really living, cook healthy. Be keto, be paleo, be vegan, be gluten-free, and dairy-free. Have a spotless house without harping on the kids all the time, though. And make sure that it's perfectly decorated so it looks like a Pinterest post all the time. Show up to every community event, join the PTA or you're not involved in your child's education. Don't miss one of your cousins, aunts, uncles’ parties. It's selfish to take a day to get your hair and nails done. But oh, be sure you have perfect hair and nails. But be in the church choir and on all of the committees. But once again, don't let it take time away from your children. Don't drop the ball at work. Just because you have children does not mean that you have to produce less at work than the bachelor next to you. Be sure you show up and you're ready to work every day and that you don't get behind at all.

    See all this weird messaging that we get, it's kind of like....and then there's like, be sure your kid is in every after-school activity and sport and instrument and that they are in plays and that they are in dance and that they take art. And so, stop the BS like, yeah. A lot of those things are good, but you have to pick and choose what themes are part of your value, and what's important to you. So, grab a cup of coffee, relax back, and let's talk about choosing what is and isn't serving your life.

    Learn to Say No

    Let's talk about the things you can opt-out of to live a fuller life and have more time to do what you do want to do for yourself and for your family. Don't be that kind of mom that like read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, by the way, I love that book, it's adorable. But then, takes it to me that you have to give up like I mentioned, everything in your life, the minute your child is born. Don't be that mom that hasn't got her roots done, or shaved her legs in three months, because you're too devoted to your children and you just give every second to them. Don't be that wife that never makes time for your relationship and fun with your spouse, because you're too devoted to your children and their needs. Yes, meet their needs but with reason, and don't meet everyone else's needs that wants you to be on this and that and participate in this and that.

    You're going to start choosing these, okay. Meet their needs but what kind of an example are you setting for your children? So, you're going to help them get a degree and be a concert pianist or in an orchestra and keep them in sports so they're super fit, and they're really good at art, and you're putting all of this time and money into making them perfect. But you've set this example that the minute they have a child, they're going to drop all of that, and give all of that up and just focus on their child, right? No. Or focus on their community needs or their church needs. No, you've got to pick and choose. There needs to be moderation in all things. And you need to set a better example, that you still have things going on in your life that you don't drop everything, and just become completely absorbed in giving everything away until there's nothing left of you been a stump, right? No. We're gonna stop this Bs, and we're gonna stop this culture.

    Choose Your Values

    You need goals, you need interest, you need friends. And you need to set an example of a well-rounded life. And if wanting to build an online business is one of those things, then let's start freeing up a little time saying no to things so that you can work on that. It's actually my hobby to build them. I love them. And it took me a little bit to figure this out. Because I was like, why is it that I get all my chores done because I'm so excited to run to my computer and build another blog post or another pin to pin on Pinterest. And like some of my friends, they get all their work done so they can go work on a quilt. And I thought well, that's fun, too. But it doesn't interest me as much. And it's awesome that they love doing that. But it's okay that I love doing this too. And it doesn't make me a workaholic. This is my hobby. I like doing it on the side. And I like that it took over my daytime job so that I didn't have to work anymore. I'm cool with it. I've come to terms with the fact that I actually love doing this. And if you love it too, then you're in the right place. And if you don't, that's fine to still finish listening to this, because we're still going to talk about making extra time for what you do want to do.

    The very first thing as you can guess, there's a four-letter word. And there's a lot of culture out there that says you can't use it with your kids, or with maybe your pastor or church leader or you can't use it with your boss. It's this four-letter word, and we're going to start using it. This four-letter word is in NOPE. Nope, not gonna do it. it's so freeing, okay. It frees up time, it frees up money, it slows you down, it eliminates half the stuff that you're probably doing right now. We're going to start doing what's called cherry-picking. When you're in the orchard, you don't go and pick every single cherry on the tree, right. You leave some on there, maybe some are wormy or have been pecked with a bird. And you don't need those they wouldn't serve you. You just bring them home and throw them away. So, why would you pick those? We're going to start doing that with time. We're only going to pick and choose the things that serve us. And we're going to start using the word Nope. Even with her children. Okay. There is a download that you can get below where there's actually a template and you can go over, it has five different categories home and kids, spouse relationship, myself, friends, and service to others and community because that is important. So, we do want to choose some of those things. But we're going to start deciding what things are most important to us. 

    Schedule Like a Minimalist

    The very first page of the download is values, under those categories. Here's some things that might be in the values on my page. I'll just give you some examples. Go print it and do it yourself. For example, some values, I would like my kids to be in at least one sport or one after school activity. Four or five. No, I don't want to do that. I'll have them choose one or two. I would love it if they would each do one instrument, some are not interested in those other parents have other challenges where their kids actually have too many to do. One thing that is one of the values in my, and this is under my home and kids’ category, by the way, one thing that's in my values is story at night. I love to do a bedtime story with my kids at night and just reconnect with them. And you know, moms go around, and they do so many things running around to make everything perfect in the whole world. And really all their kids want is just you to sit down next to them and read a story.

    So, you think you're doing all this stuff for your kids, for their school, for this for that, and you know what, they just want you to spend a little time with them, some one on one. Storytime is really important. So that's undervalues. Decluttering my house because I feel like chaotic if I don't. A clean car, I actually feel super crappy if I'm driving around in a messy, filthy car. I feel way better and more prosperous if I'm actually in a clean car. These are just little examples, they're not like the very top. And you can go over this monthly, they might change on a month to month basis, or you can do it once a year. But make a list of things that are values in these, maybe under spouse relationship, have a screen-free hour every week, just you and your husband talking about what you want, you know, maybe you have a date night. Or maybe you can combine those things, you have a date night with no screens so that you're not both sitting there on Instagram. Heck, under relationships, go buy a new outfit. When was the last time you went and like bought something that you look really beautiful in? Grab a coffee, go meet him for lunch sometime with a cup of coffee. Yeah, that's fun. I mean, it's inexpensive, it takes an hour, no big deal. Buy them Cologne, because that's something that you enjoy. It's a gift to them, you enjoy them smelling good.

    So, man, shave those legs, gotta shave those sticks. These are all kind of funny, but things that you can put under these categories, okay. Under myself. So, like health. Make sure you get your mammogram so that's actually one of my value things is to go do the doctor appointments every year like I'm supposed to. To run 30 minutes a day but it's really more like a fast walk because I don't like to run. Get your hair done, you know, maybe at least every six weeks. Go get those roots done, you know, don't let those grow out. Take care of yourself. Maybe in my values for myself is a training on how to market on Facebook or build my website, whatever I want, right? Under friends, you might put things like start making up to bunco, because I've missed the one that my friends get together, like every month, and I missed that. I don't really go to bunco with my friends, I'm giving you an example. Or lunch once a month with a friend. Or maybe you don't have very many friends so you might make your value to obtain one new friend and start nurturing that relationship because friends are important.

    Service to others. This one's big because people can be guilted into saying yes to everything that has to do with service to others or community or church. And it's important to pick or choose those so that you have more time. For example, maybe you're invited to be like I said on the decorating committee for your church. And that's going to take up an extra hour or two or four a month. Well, maybe it's better to sit next to your child and read a Bible story with them and talk about what went on that day at school and a good Christian way to handle some of the things that they run into at school. Time might be served better in that way than decorating the church. Write a list of values, what's most important to you. And there's no right or wrong answer. Maybe that is super important to you that you're part of those church committees because it helps you gain friends. But there needs to be more purpose in what you do and why you do it. Don't just say yes to everything. So, under that, you might say service to others or friends. Under your values, you might say three calls per week to friends that I know that are struggling. Just take the time to sit down call each friend once a week, go over what they're doing, or maybe take them a cup of coffee, something like that. If you're in the online space, publish something that's super helpful that you know people are struggling with.

    Now, the second page of our template then has those same five categories, but it has a column that is continue, start, and stop. I love doing this where I go down under these values now that I've established what my values are and what's important to me to kind of work on this month. Then I go through and decide what do I need to continue what is serving my life or I really like doing or it's great for the kids or family or relationship? What do I need to start in order to accomplish those values that I just established? And what do I need to stop so that I have more time to work on this? And these are all pretty self-explanatory. So, print that and fill it out.

    Be Purposeful With Your Time

    Here's some things that might be in column one. Continue soccer for Billy, because he loves it. It's good for him. Continue flute for Jane. She doesn't like sports so she's not in one, but she does love her instrument. I don't really have a Billy or Jane, just giving you an example here. Continue homework with the kids because their grades are great. This is obviously in the home and kids. Continue decluttering my house because it's been feeling great. Feeling things lighten up around here and having less clutter to put away. Things I might start daily veggie. I might go.... you know what, I feel a little guilty that my kids don't eat as healthy as they should, and they come home and snack on chips. So, once a day or a few times a week, I'm just going to make a little platter of veggies, set it in front of them while they're watching a show. And they'll just kind of mindlessly grab them and start snacking on them. That's the best time to get food in kids. And maybe that's something I'm going to start doing because one of my values was to eat healthier. So, a daily plate of vegetables.

    Maybe under start, you're going to start incorporating story time 15 minutes a night, you're going to let go of other things so you have more time to sit and read a story with your kids. Maybe I want to declutter my house even more. So, one of the things I'm going to start is 10 minutes a day of declutter, because it feels overwhelming to go and say, okay, I'm going to declutter my whole house and every closet. Maybe just say, we're just going to do 10 minutes a day. Today, I'm going to work in the kitchen, or the kitchen pantry; or today I'm going to work on my desk, and I always come in and set the mail. There's always a giant pile of mail that I don't want to go through. I'll just go through that 10 minutes a day, not overwhelming, you'd be surprised how much progress you can make in a month on decluttering your house. That's just a little tip.


    Maybe some of the things I'm going to stop is one of the school activities. Maybe I'm on the PTA and the time that I spend doing for extra hour or you know, these extra hours a month doing PTA activities, maybe that could be better served with me just spending one hour a month volunteering in my child's class to see why they're struggling through Math so much, and how I can help them and the other kids around them. Maybe I'm going to quit one committee or drop off one board that I'm on. So, these are all examples. Go print the template, the link is below. There's a blank template that you can get also where I did not fill in the categories. There's a couple of pages where I have those five categories, the home and kids is number one, relationship with your spouse or better half, yourself, friends, and service to others.

    But maybe you want completely different categories. So, in that same download, the last two pages are just blank spaces where you can fill in the categories and still go through that exercise. Okay, so this is important. Don't waste time, it's the one thing that is not renewable, it is the one thing that is finite in this life. We can go work hard and get more money or be able to buy more resources. You can't buy more time never, never never. That is the one thing that will stick with you and that you can't get rid of. And everything you say yes to has to take a space out of your time. Only do it if it serves your life and your values. Pin it up somewhere else after you fill it out. And if somebody calls and says, hey, will you join this or be part of this or can you commit to doing this for the group? You don't have to say no right away. I love the word nope. And there are nicer more, you know, you don't want to be unkind. There's nicer ways to say it like, no thank you, or I don't have time to do that. Or I don't think that's something that I can include in my schedule right now. There's all kinds of ways to say it. You can actually Google ways to say no.

    But the best thing to do when you're being faced with something like that and you feel uncomfortable telling somebody no right then and there is you can put it off a little bit. Never say yes or no right off the bat. I've got myself into so many things doing that. Start by saying, let me think about that and get back to you. Or let me check my calendar and get back to you. And then you have time to decide, go look at your values and say well yeah, this actually does fit in under service and I'm not doing too many things in that area. So, yeah, I want to say yes. Or no and I'm thankful I took the time to make this decision. And now I can come up with a nice way to tell them no. But in your mind, nope, don't do it. If it's not serving your life, or your values, and those values sometimes fulfilling those values are helping others. But don't get into it too much like you can completely run yourself ragged.

    So, drop the guilt. It's okay to say no to some things and make an executive decision for your family when you say no to something and decide you're not going to be part of that. Be more purposeful and spend your time very wisely. Because that is the one thing you don't get back and that does not renew, but you can spend it wisely and live a very full life with the time that we've already been blessed with. All right. Good luck. Have a great week.

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